Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
