OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
