So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
