OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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