so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
