if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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