life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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