Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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