winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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