Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
