If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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