i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
