if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
bring money and cleavage
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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