It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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