Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
