So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
