woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
