Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
