i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
