I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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