I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize
