The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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