"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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