Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
