Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
