we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
