Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
