he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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