Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
