So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
