I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
