I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
