So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
