We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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