I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
