your room smells of hookers.
And success
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
