I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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