Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
