It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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