I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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