to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
