I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
