First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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