My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
