She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We have started to decorate penises.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
