I just pynch a tree in the face
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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