I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
