Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
