Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
