I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
