Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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