I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
40s are totally the cure
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
